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“You need to start living life with open palms. You tried to grasp onto the good times you had, and the experience has gone. But any challenges you have now will also go, you just need to hold onto them softly, with open palms.” -As quoted by Benjamin Fishel The idea of living life with […]
“You need to start living life with open palms. You tried to grasp onto the good times you had, and the experience has gone. But any challenges you have now will also go, you just need to hold onto them softly, with open palms.”
-As quoted by Benjamin Fishel
The idea of living life with open palms has been on my mind a lot lately. When our life is happily humming along and things are going great, we tend to want to clench onto the moment with an iron fist. However, life is a constant ebb and flow so holding onto anything too tightly can lead to disappointment, frustration, and discontentment. Here’s where the open palm comes in to remind us that accepting our humanity means accepting that pain is part of life. But just like joy and all other emotions, pain is a temporary. Keeping open palms through the good and bad allows us to maintain our presence and curiosity through each experience which in turn brings longer term satisfaction and contentment.
If you’re struggling with finding joy and satisfaction in your life, take a look at some of the common issue that may be contributing:
Despite all these barriers that we may come up against daily, there are many ways to overcome them. Here are some ways to keep your palms open and let joy and satisfaction come into your life:
Have you ever experienced guilt about exercise? Most of us will at some point in our lives. From those who are compulsive exercisers to those who don’t move much, we can all understand the feeling of “not doing enough”. The problem for many with exercise is a lack of awareness or respect for our own […]
Have you ever experienced guilt about exercise? Most of us will at some point in our lives. From those who are compulsive exercisers to those who don’t move much, we can all understand the feeling of “not doing enough”.
The problem for many with exercise is a lack of awareness or respect for our own bodies’ signals. We see exercise as a way to burn calories or change the way we look rather than joyful self-care.
Of course, exercise is an important part of wellbeing – our bodies are made to move and benefit from movement – and rest too! If you struggle with finding the balance between the two, shifting your focus to how you feel in your body during movement can take exercise from punishment to pleasure.
If you struggle with compulsive exercise or with finding the time and energy to move more, shifting your mindset about why you’re moving can make all the difference in the world!
As we do with Intuitive Eating, we have to learn and pay attention to our bodies’ signals. Note how you feel before, during, and after exercise.
Did you dread getting started but once you got going it was kind of fun? Did you feel happy and energetic after? Was it hard the whole time and you didn’t feel great after? You can and will have all of these experiences with movement. Catalogue these experiences for yourself as you have them, it will help you determine what kind of movement, how much, and when moving works best for your body.
Alignment is a concept we often discuss in therapy but not one that is talked about in our daily lives. Alignment is living your life in accordance with your core values and trusting your intuition to guide your actions with what your true self knows, needs, wants, and desires. It seems simple but every day […]
Alignment is a concept we often discuss in therapy but not one that is talked about in our daily lives. Alignment is living your life in accordance with your core values and trusting your intuition to guide your actions with what your true self knows, needs, wants, and desires. It seems simple but every day we face pressure from ourselves, our jobs, our loved ones, and society to be or to do things that may be out of alignment with our true selves. Alignment is important because when we are out of alignment, we can feel exhausted, guilty, fearful, annoyed, and impatient.
Learning to live in alignment is a process that becomes easier with time. One of the hardest steps of this process is letting go of friends, plans for the future, jobs, communities, ideas, and even parts of ourselves that are no longer serving us or our current values. Change and growth is a normal and a necessary part of life. Try to normalize this concept for yourself and allow yourself to grieve the loss of people and things that are no longer in alignment with your life. Though these changes can be painful and difficult they will ultimately lead to a more content, peaceful, and mindful life.
It seems like every year brings a few new diet or lifestyle trends that promises to help you lose weight or get a summer body – whatever that is. Just follow these rules, do this exercise, or buy this product and you’ll have the body that society currently finds acceptable. Diet culture is everywhere and […]
It seems like every year brings a few new diet or lifestyle trends that promises to help you lose weight or get a summer body – whatever that is. Just follow these rules, do this exercise, or buy this product and you’ll have the body that society currently finds acceptable. Diet culture is everywhere and it’s nearly impossible to avoid. We are inundated with television, print, and internet ads, we hear about it from our friends, and many of us are even steeped in diet culture from childhood by well-meaning parents or parents who have their own trauma around food and their bodies. It can feel impossible to know what is best for our bodies when we’re constantly told what to do with them. Intuitive Eating is another way, it’s a returning back to what we were all naturally born knowing how to do.
Intuitive Eating (IE) is not a diet. In fact, IE is the anti-diet. Diets are not sustainable physically or emotionally. They actually worsen our relationship with food and the trust we have for ourselves around food. IE allows us to relearn to trust our bodies and ourselves. With its evidence-based approach (see my resource guide below for some excellent reading), IE focuses on each person and their needs as an individual. IE treats weight neutrally; it is not a weight loss program. It works by being mindful of your physical and emotional needs as food feeds the body and the soul. You can learn how to honor your hunger, to respect your fullness, and to eat without guilt, shame, or restrictions.
Fear of gaining weight and negative body image
Feeling alone
Questioning if IE is healthy or right for you
Lack of structure or feeling of control
If you have interest in the positive impact IE can have on your life, check out some of these resources below:
https://lizbisarya.com/intuitive-eating-groups/
Intuitive Eating, 4th Edition
https://www.amazon.com/Intuitive-Eating-4th-Anti-Diet-Revolutionary/dp/1250255198/
Most of us have a long list of expectations for ourselves every day. Did I get a good night’s sleep and eat a balanced breakfast? Am I doing well at work? Does my body look how I think it should? Am I the best parent I can possibly be? The list is seemingly endless and […]
Most of us have a long list of expectations for ourselves every day. Did I get a good night’s sleep and eat a balanced breakfast? Am I doing well at work? Does my body look how I think it should? Am I the best parent I can possibly be? The list is seemingly endless and tailored to each of our lives. Even if you’re a high achiever at work, you’re a domestic goddess and the mother of the year, or you’re a social butterfly with a long list of best friends, you’re not safe from the pursuit of perfect. If you’re someone who feels like you’re always falling short of your expectations for yourself, you may want to examine why. Perfectionism, the refusal to accept anything short of “perfect”, plagues many of us and can touch our lives in a myriad of ways.
What contributes to being a perfectionist?
Perfectionism doesn’t have a singular cause and in fact can have many. Some of the most common are
What’s wrong with wanting perfect?
Hey, perfect sounds pretty nice to me! How can everything being just right be so wrong? The problem with perfect is it doesn’t exist. The pursuit of the unattainable can lead to painful and counterproductive actions (or inaction). Do you find yourself falling into any of these patterns?
How can I learn to accept that perfect isn’t plausible?
Most of us feel the burden of perfectionism in at least one aspect of lives at some point. Others can feel the pressure daily. So how can we help ease these feelings and learn to cope with and recover from the damage of perfectionism?
The thing is, all any of us wants is to belong and be accepted for who we truly are. We can never gain true belonging if we are just trying to fit in, as we don’t even give others the opportunity to see us. We will never truly feel loved and accepted if we are working so hard to be seen as a perfect person. We can only truly belong and feel deeply accepted if we show up as our authentic selves and experience firsthand that we are still loved and allowed. Break up with the perfectionist in your head and start falling in love with your true self and your real life today.
Group support is absolutely one of my favorite things that I get to do as a therapist and coach. I continue to be in awe of how powerful it is to be genuinely seen, heard, and deeply understood by others who have similar struggles and shared aspirations. The realizations and changes that occur for us […]
Group support is absolutely one of my favorite things that I get to do as a therapist and coach. I continue to be in awe of how powerful it is to be genuinely seen, heard, and deeply understood by others who have similar struggles and shared aspirations. The realizations and changes that occur for us often happen quickly and naturally in a group setting as we experience a sense of connection we may not currently have in our lives. It also offers different perspectives that support us in seeing things differently.
Many of us living in this diet-obsessed, thin-obsessed culture have attempted to form a sense of community and a sense of belonging by joining gyms, talking with our friends about our new diets, or pronouncing how much we hate our bodies. It’s how so many women are trying to connect with one another and it makes me sad and often angry. At the same time, I totally get it, we are all living in a world in which women are constantly told that our worth and value is based on our appearance and meeting whatever the current standard of beauty is. It affects all of us so of course we are going to commiserate about it, it’s in our face everywhere we turn! However, once we start exploring Health At Every Size and Intuitive Eating we often start to cringe when we hear other women talking this way or we feel like we might be doing something wrong when others bring up their newest diet or “working out to get ready for summer.” We start wondering, is Intuitive Eating the right path for me? This is why it is so imperative that we surround ourselves with a new community who shares our values of truly listening to and nourishing our bodies, not focusing all of our energy on changing them. It is extremely hard to go at this anti-diet and health at every size lifestyle without support. As human beings, we are wired to crave a sense of community and have a strong desire to be accepted by others. Evolutionarily speaking we lived in tribes that kept us safe and fed. And the truth is we still need a tribe and a community! Having a tribe of women who also want to deeply nourish themselves and their bodies as opposed to starving and manipulating them is how we can continue to be safe and fed in this culture!
The brilliant, Brene Brown, talks a lot about the difference between fitting in and belonging. Very simply put, fitting in is when we attempt to be like others to gain approval, as Brene says “twisting yourself into a human pretzel in order to get them to let you hang out with them.” Belonging, however, is something different, Brene defines it as “showing up and letting yourself be seen and known as you really are.” The thing is, all any of us wants is to belong and be accepted for who we truly are. We can never gain true belonging if we are just trying to fit it, as we don’t even give others the opportunity to see us. Thus even if “they let me hang out with them” it doesn’t really fulfill us, as we are not sure they would really accept our authentic selves, we only know we’re allowed “in” if we put on a façade. The idea of fitting in is so much of what is reinforced in diet culture, we are told we need to be a certain size to be loved and accepted. However, we will never truly feel loved and accepted if we are working so hard to “human pretzel” ourselves into a size we are not naturally meant to be. We can only truly belong and feel deeply accepted if we show up as ourselves, whatever size that is, and experience firsthand that we are still loved and “allowed to hang out.”
This is one of the main reasons group support is so helpful, it allows for a safe space in which we can really show up as ourselves, struggles and flaws and all, and see that we are accepted and not “the only one in the whole world who’s had these crazy thoughts.” Groups are such supportive places to experiment with setting goals for ourselves where we know we will be held accountable weekly to challenging ourselves in an environment that is nurturing and understanding; in this kind of space we are free to take more risks and try new things! When I participated in a Mindful Eating Support Group many years ago I grew exponentially in my journey with being deeply present to myself, my emotions, my body, as well as my needs and desires. Knowing that I was not alone in my struggle and that others were rooting for me to live my fullest life as I began practicing new skills completely kickstarted my healing journey. Since then, I have loved facilitating groups professionally and I truly believe that it is one of the most effective tools for change and growth.
Are you feeling isolated and alone in your Intuitive Eating Journey? Do you want to meet other women who are also on the Intuitive Eating Journey and form a community? Have you tried Intuitive Eating in your life but want more tangible skills to really implement the principles in your life? Do you want to focus your energy on nurturing yourself as opposed to trying to manipulate your body and set goals aligned with this? If you answered yes to any of these questions, I encourage you to check out my Women’s Intuitive Eating Group both online and in person.
I have been running a Women’s Intuitive Eating Group for a few years now and have learned many wonderful things from Clients in my group as well as seen them grow in incredible ways. In the most recent round of the group, during our final wrap up, one of the group members stated that her biggest take away was learning to intentionally choose “connection over control.” And this is why group support is something I feel so passionately about, it really creates a space for our deepest desires of connection and belonging to be honored and fulfilled.
There have been so many changes in my life since my last post, getting married, moving, etc, and it got me thinking about change. How about you all? Has this season of life been full of change too? Some of us welcome and like change, but my experience is that most of us struggle with […]
There have been so many changes in my life since my last post, getting married, moving, etc, and it got me thinking about change.
How about you all? Has this season of life been full of change too?
Some of us welcome and like change, but my experience is that most of us struggle with it. We are scared of the unknown and would prefer to stay in what is familiar even if that is hard, too. We often put a lot of energy into trying to prevent change and control our lives so that “things stay the same.” My experience is that life keeps happening though and I spent a lot of wasted time and energy trying to avoid and block what I now believe is just the natural flow of life; it is ever-changing. And when I was fighting change I ended up feeling as if life was against me and it was an uphill battle. This was not a fun way to live and I was exhausted ALL THE TIME.
I also see this ongoing battle with the wonderful women I work with every day. They are spending so much of their precious time, energy, and finances on trying to control their body size and ward off the natural changes we experience in our lifetime as women. Like, having more fat tissue around our bellies so we can grow a human life and more fat tissues around our breasts so we can feed and nourish that life, or just simply growing into our adult bodies!
I have found in my work that once we start intuitively eating, many, but not all, of us experience body changes. And this can be one of the most difficult parts of the recovery journey for many. It can feel physically uncomfortable, mentally painful, and emotionally it often feels like a grieving process of the “thin ideal” we have held so tightly to. Working our way through these body changes is imperative and if your body is changing right now because of the amazing, brave work you are doing I want to offer a few helpful questions, journaling ideas, and tools that might be helpful. I also want to applaud and hug you for being courageous and caring for yourself!
What else am I gaining?
One of my favorite questions to ask women when we begin discussing the weight gain they are experiencing after letting go of restriction is: “What else are you gaining in this process?” The answers are often profound: I am gaining more flexibility, freedom, connection, presence, energy, trust. I also ask them to be more specific because really deeply understanding how recovery improves our life on a daily basis is motivating, for example: I can go to brunch with my friends and drink mimosas and order pancakes, I can say yes to spontaneous ice-cream with my partner at the end of a date, I have more time to write, I feel more present and efficient at work, I am kinder and more patient with my mom, etc. What answers come to mind when you ask yourself what else you are gaining or what else you hope to gain?
How did I live out what deeply matters to me today? What did I offer to myself and other?
I often hear advice given regarding body image work to the effect of “when feeling critical of your body name a part of your body you do like.” I disagree with this piece of advice and find that it is often not helpful for long term healing. True body image work is about learning to place our sense of worth outside of our physical appearance and more on what deeply matters to us, our core values. If we just start focusing on parts of our body we “like” that still leaves us hyperfocused on our physical appearance…which will continue to change throughout our lifetime and thus is not sustainable as our primary source of self-worth and validation. When noticing struggles with your current body changes I encourage you to name something else valuable or meaningful that you bring to the world, for example “I was patient today when waiting for my kids to get ready for school. I was helpful to my coworker when they didn’t know how to answer an email. I was brave and ate that donut I was scared to eat. I sent my friend a silly text because I know she is having a hard time.” Ask yourself how you showed up in the world and the gifts you offered yourself and others when you find yourself criticizing the body you did those things in. It can really shift your sense of self and mood!
When else have I allowed for change and what was the outcome?
Sometimes when change is happening it feels so scary and big and overwhelming that we tense up, dig our heels in, and try to keep things the same. In seeing our changing bodies, we have to let go of behaviors and ideas that are no longer serving us…for example letting go of daily exercise, letting go of counting calories or macros, letting go of our scales. And so often I hear from clients “I am just so scared, I don’t know where my body will end up at its natural set point, how much weight am I going to gain?” All of this unknown is scary and takes bravery, sometimes it is helpful to reflect on our past experiences of being courageous and letting go of something that was no longer serving us even though we didn’t know what the outcome would be. Have you ever left a partner you knew was not right for you even though you were scared of being alone? Have you ever quit a job that was zapping all of your energy and not utilizing any of your talents and weren’t sure you would like your new job? Have you ever moved away from home to a new city or college? Often times our experiences of letting go bring us to new opportunities and experiences we didn’t even know were possible, such as finding your soul mater after ending a relationship that wasn’t right, finding your passion at a new job, finding a community you feel right at home in, etc. I can’t tell you where your life will take you once you let go of trying to control your body size but I imagine it is going to be far better than the prison of dieting and likely open space for joys, adventures, and new exciting experiences that are unexpected!
Buying Clothes That Fit Your Current Body and Letting Go of Clothes That No Longer Fit
No longer fitting into clothes that once fit can be one of the hardest parts of the process. I hear so many clients say “but I love my clothes”, it feels like a “failure” to let them go or “I am still hopeful I will fit into them when I really get this intuitive eating thing down.” However, I cannot say enough about how important it is to take this step. It just isn’t kind to ourselves to wear clothes every day that are physically uncomfortable or constricting or to have a closet full of clothes you feel “taunted” by every time you walk into your closet. The way to be compassionate to ourselves and even protect ourselves on this journey is to buy clothes that fit our current body and to donate, trash, burn (whatever feels best!) the clothes that do not fit us anymore. I also think if you are intentional in your process, it can actually be fun learning to dress your new body and see what feels authentic and representative for you in this next stage of life.
Saying Goodbye to our Idealized Body Size
The experience of our bodies changing can feel a lot like the grieving process. Grieving the loss of the body we envisioned we “should” have or did have. The stages of grief are: denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and acceptance. I am sure you can reflect on how fearing or experiencing body changes has brought up feelings of frustration and sadness. And of course, denying that our bodies are meant to be larger, as well as bargaining with ourselves about how we can still try to control our body size if it is for “wellness or health” is all a part of this process. That being said, I want to note that the final stage of grief is ACCEPTANCE. The final stage is not “love” or “positivity.” I think this is important because if we believe we are supposed to get to a place of loving and feeling ecstatic about our new bodies we might be setting ourselves up to feel like we are failing. Although I think it is wonderful to love your body and think it’s beautiful, body image work is deeply about accepting our bodies as they are today and accepting they will continue to change and thus do not determine how we should feel about ourselves. Acceptance means that we no longer have to fight or punish our bodies but can instead keep them comfortable in clothes that fit, nourish them with foods that satisfy us, and let them move and rest in ways that honor their needs. In what ways can you practice accepting the body you are in today?
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Hi there! Liz here wanting to wish you all a happy holiday season! Can you believe it’s here already?!? I know that is so cliché but 2018 was a whirlwind for me; it was jam packed with ups and downs and flew by, how about you? How are you doing this holiday season? I […]
Hi there! Liz here wanting to wish you all a happy holiday season! Can you believe it’s here already?!? I know that is so cliché but 2018 was a whirlwind for me; it was jam packed with ups and downs and flew by, how about you? How are you doing this holiday season?
I know that during the holidays there are so many women out there struggling with really loud food and body fears. Is that where you find yourself today or are you in a different place this year? I know that these kinds of repetitive and persistent thoughts really distract us and take us away from the fun, joy, connection, and celebration that this time of year can bring. If we are worried about all of the calories in those cookies our mom makes every year or about all of the butter in the mashed potatoes, it is really hard to be present with enjoying these delicious foods and feeling the nostalgia and memories we have associated with them. So many of my clients talk about how much they miss the way the holidays used to feel, when they weren’t stuck in their heads, distracted by counting, or feeling “guilty after binging.” During this time especially, I think that gratitude can be a helpful tool to get us out of our heads and back into the present moment and able to appreciate what deeply matters to us. I have listed a few different gratitude practices below that I hope can be practical and useful for you during this holiday season. Thanksgiving is a fitting time to slow down and create space for acknowledgment and reflection in our life so I hope that you try a few new practices and see how they fit into your life!
Daily Gratitude List:
Daily gratitude practices can really support us in re-wiring our brains so that we are more prone to notice the things we appreciate as opposed to our brains being stuck in constant problem- solving. It can be helpful to start the morning by listing five things we are grateful for and then in the evening listing five more things we are grateful for. When starting this practice, try to keep in mind that it is most effective to mix up the big and small things we appreciate. Sometimes when we are struggling it feels hard to think of anything we are enjoying in our life, as we are focused on what we wish were different. That being said, we can train our brain to appreciate and take comfort in even the smallest things through daily practice. So this morning my gratitude list included: “my husband, my clients, my car starting, the Pumpkin Creamer in my coffee, and a good night’s sleep.” We might feel blocked at first but I have found that by making it a daily routine the list comes easier and I am noticing more things throughout my day to be thankful for!
Gratitude List For Our Bodies:
When struggling with negative body image, I find it most helpful for the women I work with to shift their focus away from the evaluation of their bodies based on its appearance and size and instead give more air time to thoughts about the functionality of their bodies. I often offer clients the mantra, “My body is an instrument for my life, not an ornament.” If we think about it, our bodies are really our vehicles to move through the world, and these vehicles allow us to do so many tremendous things in our lives! I encourage you to write a list of some of the things your body makes it possible for you to do in a week. Here is my recent Body Gratitude List: dancing, seeing a sunset, smelling rain on the ground, hugging my best friend, walking to work, smiling at a stranger and seeing them smile back, hearing a client share a victory, brushing my teeth, holding my husband’s hand, tasting my dad’s homemade pizza, participating in a beach clean-up with my alumni organization. I wouldn’t have the opportunity to have these experiences if I did not have my eyes, no nose, my hands, my thighs…my body and all of its parts! I do want to note that as I write this I am immensely aware of my privilege in regards to my physical health and the fact that I am living without physical disabilities. I know that there are many out there who live with disabilities, chronic pain, or even temporary illness that might make doing a gratitude list like this painful. And at the same time a lesson I continually learn is that we can usually find small things to appreciate while still honoring our pain and grief, both can happen at the same time.
Appreciation vs Expectation
There are so many expectations that we have during the holidays around what this time is “supposed to be”. It is hard to turn the television on, open up our social media pages, or even walk into a store without seeing picture perfect “Hallmark Holidays” where families are laughing, hugging, playing in the snow, and surrounded by beautiful decorations. These kinds of images create super high expectations about what our holidays “should look and feel like.” And those that struggle with disordered eating are often also perfectionist in other areas of their lives on top of that! So the struggle is real in trying not to be overtaken by the expectations and hopes for a “perfect holiday!” I don’t know about you but I have never ever had a “perfect holiday.” From my train being late, to getting in an argument with my dad about how to make yams, to feeling sad about a gift not being thoughtful enough or appreciated enough, the list goes on and on. When we go into the holidays with these high expectations it is so easy (almost a set up or a guarantee) to feel disappointed. So another gratitude mantra I offer to women to use during this season (and throughout our lives really) is “appreciation not expectation.” How can we step out of future oriented thinking about what our holiday should look like, and instead focus on being present in the moment and finding little things to appreciate as the days unfold? How can I be surprised by something to be thankful for like a spur of the moment conversation with my aunt, or breaking out into giggles with my sister when our gingerbread house falls apart, or enjoying a cookie my coworker brought that I have never tried before? “Appreciation not expectation” has been such a helpful intention for me to use and has truly allowed me to be witness to the beauty and joy that is actually here in the moment as opposed to the movie I think it should be.
Gratitude Alphabet and Prompted Gratitude Questions
If it is difficult to find things to be grateful for there are two other practices that can be helpful in getting your mind going.
One seems silly but can be really fun and spark your imagination in thinking about what is there to appreciate in your life. I call it the Gratitude Alphabet. The way it works is that you go through the alphabet, A to Z, and state one thing you are grateful for starting with each letter. Here is an example: A-apple cider, B-books, C-Catherine (my sister), D-dogs etc. Be creative, have fun with it!
You can also use prompted gratitude questions to help guide you. I have added one that I often offer to clients:
Letter of Gratitude
Using gratitude as a practice in our life is also about expressing that gratitude directly towards others and letting them know how much we appreciate them. Something that might be meaningful and add some cheer to your holiday season (as well as someone else’s!) is to write an unexpected letter of gratitude. As opposed to sending a text or a holiday card, we can choose one person in our lives to whom we feel grateful for (maybe someone we haven’t told in a while or ever) and write them a letter we mail or give to them in person. Who in your life has recently shown you kindness, taught you something, been there for you as a listening ear, or gone out of their way to help you? Writing that person a letter, in which we are really specific about how they have added to our lives, can actually be a wonderful activity to boost our own mood. It will likely be an awesome gift for that special person too; however, you might be surprised about how much the simple act of writing the letter improves your day too!
Gratitude for our Struggles
Being grateful for our difficulties is a really tough one but can be immensely helpful to our healing journey in that it helps create meaning to our pain. This is very hard to do in the movements in which we are deeply suffering and I don’t suggest trying this right in the thick of it, as it doesn’t give us enough space to feel and validate our emotions. We do not want to skip over sadness, anger or hurt by jumping to gratitude; however, it is often life changing when we allow both experiences to be true at the same time, we are both sad it happened and grateful for its lessons. My suggestion is that when we are out of the intensity of the moment we take some time to reflect on how our current struggle is supporting or helping us. For example, I am often able to feel grateful for my personal struggles with anxiety, perfectionism, etc. as they have allowed me to be a therapist and coach who deeply understands and relates to my clients’ experiences. And I believe (and hope) that my deep empathy based on my own pain helps my clients to feel understood, seen, and less alone. Another example is that in moments when I feel frustrated because plans suddenly change, I practice gratitude that I am being offered an opportunity to continue to let go of my desire to control the future. Are there struggles you have faced or are currently dealing with that you can create some meaning to? How did those struggles support you in becoming the person you are today? Or how might they serve you in the future?
I hope that this blog was helpful for you in thinking about some tangible and simple practices to bring more gratitude into your life during this season. I wish each of you a peaceful, comfy, joyful, fun, delicious, holiday season spent with those you love most!
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Hi everyone! This is Liz here blogging again which has been something I have absolutely loved doing in the past couple of months. I have been reflecting on the fact that for a long time I told myself “I am not creative. I am not a writer, I am not good at it and don’t […]
Hi everyone! This is Liz here blogging again which has been something I have absolutely loved doing in the past couple of months. I have been reflecting on the fact that for a long time I told myself “I am not creative. I am not a writer, I am not good at it and don’t even like it!” However in being given this exciting new chance to share my thoughts on topics I am passionate about, my internal narrative and story about myself has shifted so much. I am loving writing and feeling so much creative energy from it. It has been such a lovely surprise and learning for me!
In reflecting on this shift in my beliefs, I started thinking about the messages and stories we all create to determine who we think we are, what we think we can and can’t do and/or are not good enough to do. Often times when I start working with women both individually and in groups on intuitive eating principles, we start by discussing making peace with food and really eating what we want. One of the main fears and stories I hear women say about themselves is “But I can’t trust myself with food.” Most women tell me that the idea of intuitive eating really resonates with them and “makes so much sense” and they often say “I intellectually understand and agree with intuitive eating principles and I definitely believe it has worked for others but I don’t trust myself with food, it won’t work for me.” They say “I can never have cereal in my house, I don’t even buy it anymore because if I do, it will all be gone that day. So how am I supposed to trust myself with eating whatever I want?”
Is this a belief or story that sounds familiar to you? If so, I encourage you to start thinking about the intuitive eating journey as a process of growing your relationship with yourself and rebuilding trust in your ability to nourish and care for your body. Building trust with ourselves is just like any other relationship that we have with another person. I know this idea of building trust with others can be a painful struggle for some who have been hurt by those they trusted and/or have experienced trauma throughout their life. I send so much love and empathy to you, and I believe that part of healing our traumas is building internal trust and knowledge that we can care for ourselves with compassion. In addition, if you have experienced trauma it is often quite helpful to utilize other resources such as therapy, especially with a therapist who specializes in trauma treatment.
If you have a minute it is valuable to think about, and maybe even jot down, how you build trust with others and then reflect on what you came up with. Often times what I hear women say is “Trust with others takes a long time, it is helpful to see over time that someone is there for me when I need them, especially if I am going through something hard. Consistency and dependability over time help me feel secure with someone, too. Going through different experiences with them and seeing how they handle it and if they are true to their word is really important to me.” Did you have similar ideas? How do you begin trusting someone in your life?
Beginning to trust ourselves with food again, is just like this! It takes time to regain the trust that has unfortunately been messed up by diet culture and all of the messages we constantly receive telling us we can not trust our bodies or ourselves and instead we need to rely on programs, plans, cleanses, “clean eating”, etc to tell us what we need to eat. Through our attempts to control our bodies we have sadly reinforced these external messages that we cannot be trusted with food. The only way to regain this trust is to give ourselves full and unconditional permission to eat what you want and honor your hunger consistently. Each time that we have an experience of eating intuitively we slowly begin to rebuild trust in ourselves. In addition, when we eat consistently, multiple times every day (most likely every few hours) and honor our hunger by fueling and nourishing it, our body begins to trust us again! And in turn we start trusting our bodies to communicate when they are hungry and what they need…it’s a two way street just like any relationship. And I can assure you, your body can be trusted, and she will be there for you, guiding you as soon as you start taking the actions to nourish her and listen to her needs and wants!
Does this idea sound scary? Fear is such a difficult, painful, and uncomfortable emotion. As someone who definitely has experienced anxiety throughout my life, I know how powerful it can be and how much it can affect our life. Our natural response to fear is to avoid the thing we are afraid of; this is a biological protective mechanism that is meant to keep us safe and alive. Like if we see a big snake, we don’t typically go towards it, we usually back up slowly and avoid it. So fear and our natural response to avoid the feared thing is actually something to be grateful for in a lot of ways. Unfortunately we have been taught to fear things that are not a threat to us …like pizza, nachos, donuts, and cake. So our natural response in this diet culture is to avoid these things. I really want to normalize that if you fear these foods and the idea of eating them sounds scary, this is terribly normal in this diet culture and interestingly is just your brain doing what it is supposed to do with fear. But the helpful thing to remember is avoidance is not serving our overall well-being and we don’t have to fear these foods, they are not a threat like a poisonous snake. In fact they are foods that help keep us alive (they are made up of fat, protein and carbohydrates just like any other food we need to sustain our life). And of course, they can also bring enjoyment and connection with others! The best researched treatments for anxiety and reducing fear is exposure to the things that we are scared of. This is the only way to really support our bodies and minds in learning that our fears are not true. We need to have the felt experience of coming into contact with the very thing we are fearful of and experience that we are still safe and harm did not come to us. In regards to challenging our fear that we can’t trust ourselves with food, we need to give ourselves permission to actually eat these forbidden foods.
I so clearly remember a women in my Intuitive Eating Support Group a few weeks ago looking at me in horror when I suggested her goal for the week be buying her favorite chocolates during her weekly grocery shopping trip so that she could experiment with having them in her house and available to her. She looked at me as if I had asked her to jump out of a plane and she said, “I can not do that, I will just eat the whole bag in one night, I can not trust myself.” However, she was incredibly brave and agreed to the challenge with support from myself and the other women in the group. The next week she came back beaming and shared her surprise that once there was an abundance of chocolate in her house and she genuinely told herself she could have it at any time, she found herself eating a few pieces each evening and enjoying them. She said she was shocked that half of the bag was still in her cupboard. She happily shared that she no longer felt scared to have this food around and was beginning to rebuild trust with herself!
I promise that each new experience of challenging your food rules and nourishing your body when it is hungry begin to add up and become the groundwork and evidence you need to trust yourself and your body again. Remember you were born an intuitive eater and can trust yourself and your body again!!
I would love to hear your thoughts and the ways you are practicing strengthening trust in yourself and your body this week!
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Hi all! I so hope you are enjoying the last bit of summer! I am writing this post in the few weeks before my wedding! As I thought about this post, I decided I wanted to share about my experience with this season of my life and some of the things that come up for […]
Hi all! I so hope you are enjoying the last bit of summer! I am writing this post in the few weeks before my wedding! As I thought about this post, I decided I wanted to share about my experience with this season of my life and some of the things that come up for women I work with around body image while planning a wedding. I also wanted to talk about love and the power of acceptance (because duh, I am in a romantic mood in the weeks leading up to our wedding)! And love and acceptance are such prominent themes in my clients’ journeys, too.
Even with all of the work I have done on myself in regards to food and body liberation and all of the work I have done with women to heal their own body image, I started thinking more about my body and its size during this season then I have in years. These thoughts initially caught me by surprise and my first reaction was to tell them to be quiet and ignore them. Which worked temporarily and then I noticed them creep in again. I thought “What the heck Liz, this is completely against your values and all that you believe and support other women in healing, what is wrong with you?!” My thoughts about having the body image thoughts got meaner and more critical and I was feeling so upset and frustrated with myself for having these thoughts. I didn’t change the way I was eating or moving, or start actively trying to change my body, but I felt so much shame that the thoughts were there. Then I asked myself, “Liz, what would you tell a woman you work with if she were sharing this struggle with you?” and that moment shifted everything, as I talk to women about the power of compassion, acceptance, and not rejecting these parts of themselves so much!
It can be very frustrating, but many of our brains are wired for criticism and judgment based on our temperaments and our life experiences. We have come to believe that if we criticize ourselves it will help us to be better AKA more loveable, worthy, safe, etc. Unfortunately, that just doesn’t work. We cannot criticize and shame ourselves into being “better.” I love the saying “what you resist persists.” Instead of rejecting and shaming yourself for having the thoughts you don’t like or attempting to ignore them, I encourage you to acknowledge them, be curious about them, and be compassionate towards them. In my case I said “Liz, it seems like you are thinking more about your body then you would like to while planning a wedding. I am so sorry, I know that’s painful. Why might these old thought patterns be popping up again?” My response: “Aw Liz, planning a wedding and what that represents in terms of becoming a wife, and a partner, and joining a family is a huge transition and life change and you’re feeling anxious and scared and excited and all the feelings all at the same time. There are also all sorts of uncontrollable stressors and unplanned issues that arise while planning a wedding, so you are probably just trying to regain a sense of control and order and soothe your anxiety. And that makes sense, you are feeling scared. Oh and Liz, it’s not your fault, it’s not just you! We live in a society where so much of the wedding talk around us is about losing weight for the pictures, the women at the dress shops are asking you about it and when you respond that you are not trying to lose weight, it almost seems unheard of!” This dialogue with myself brought me back to being present and compassionate with myself and accepting of my thoughts with curiosity and then understanding.
The reason I share this is that so often, I work with women who have come a long way in changing their behaviors. They no longer restrict food or exercise to change their bodies, however, some of the diet mentality and body image thoughts persist which causes tremendous pain and frustration. I hear so many women say “I hate these thoughts, I just want them to go away, I thought I was further along on my journey!” I understand, we don’t want these thoughts to be a part of our lives as they keep us out of the present moment; however, hating them and beating ourselves up for having them is not going to make them any less painful for us. In fact, it’s the hating them that causes suffering. So, I invite you to practice acceptance that these thoughts are there, and be curious about why they might be here right now. What purpose are they trying to serve? They aren’t there to make your life miserable. We develop these coping skills with all good intentions to care for ourselves. Noticing these thoughts gives us an opportunity to check in about what we actually need. For example, these thoughts are often present to distract us from other feelings like sadness, fear, anger, etc. When we notice these thoughts it’s a wonderful alarm and reminder to check in with ourselves and our emotions. Maybe we are feeling scared about starting a new job and wondering if we are capable but instead of allowing ourselves to experience that fear and work through it, we are focusing on our bodies. I find it so helpful to remind women (and myself) that these thoughts are trying to fill a need however they aren’t serving us in that way. So when we are present enough to notice them we have the opportunity to figure out what we really need and offer that to ourselves and then with time, the thoughts will not be there as they are no longer trying to fill that need.
I hope this post was a helpful reminder that during stressful times, old familiar coping skills might come up and that’s okay and totally understandable (no matter how long you have been working at this)! And it’s great to know this because then we can plan for it, we can greet it with understanding, love, and acceptance and not allow it to make us feel bad about ourselves. These thoughts just let us know that we need more nurturance, love, and tending to–whatever that means in our life– slowing down, journaling, calling a friend, being outside more, etc.
As I look forward to my wedding and think about the man I soon get to call my husband, I know that he loves me, meaning he accepts all parts of me with compassion and understanding. Don’t get me wrong, he does not like everything I do (hehe) but he sees and accepts all of me. I vow to do the same with him as his wife. And as I enter married life, I also re-vow to accept and love all parts of myself even those parts I don’t always like, like the anxious ones that want to feel in control. Love to me means acceptance and compassion and I hope you can reflect on how these ideas might support you with anything you are currently struggling with! Please let me know what areas of your life you feel like need more acceptance and compassion in the comments below, I’d love to hear!